New Year, Same Me

By Danielle N. Sather

*Triggering content possible

January 1, 2023, new year and same old me.

I try not to put too much weight onto new year transitions. I figure, if nothing else, New Year’s Eve is a nice opportunity to spend some quality, late night time with my husband, sometimes my mama, and/or some of my best friends. If nothing else, I am guaranteed to start my new year with a kiss from my person, and a great big HAPPY NEW YEAR howl shared with the woman who raised me while we all bang on a few pots and pans in a small parade through our neighborhood streets. Then I wake up the next day and it’s a new year… But, the same old me. 

I am sad. I have mostly always been sad. As a child I was painfully shy, known for my “crocodile tears,” and labeled as a “deeply sensitive child.” The first time I told my mother I wanted to take my own life was in the 6th grade – middle school is a painful experience for everyone, but for me it felt unbearable for many reasons that belong to another story. In high school, I remember my mother crying on the living room floor yelling “why do you maim yourself” after finding cuts on my body. Yes, I was “that teenager.” I could write a book explaining all of the reasons behind my emotional struggles, but the fact is, I have mostly always been sad. 

At 36, here is what an average day looks like for me: 

  1. I normally wake up in a panic attack but if I wake up after 9AM the panic is exacerbated because some imposter in my head tells me that I have already failed my day by sleeping in.

  2. I set my alarm for 30 more minutes because I can’t bear the thought of starting my day mid panic attack (repeat two to three times).

  3. Sometimes I shower but if I manage to put on actual clothing I feel quite accomplished.

  4. I clock in from my sofa and our Suffer Out Loud community enlivens me enough to smile a few times throughout the day. I feel less alone and as though I am doing something worthwhile. My job fills me and I am grateful for that. 

  5. In the evening, my husband makes us an incredible meal and we usually finish our day with Star Trek. SIDENOTE: If you’re ever looking for a show where everything always turns out alright, "Star Trek: The Next Generation” is where it’s at. It is perfect for the anxious and major depressives like myself.

  6. I go to bed and end my day the way it started, with nocturnal panic attacks that jolt me from my sleep anywhere from 2 to 6 times each night. 

The panic attacks are new. I am not sure where they have come from, all I know is that life is hard but we keep pushing forward because we have to and because it is worth it. I have lost two close friends to suicide, one close friend to a car accident, two aunts with whom I held very close and special bonds to Parkinson’s, and my father and 6 of his 9 siblings to cancer. I have a close relationship with grief and oddly enough that grief is what helps me to stick around. I hold my grief with pride; it is a symbol of the love I keep for each person that has gone from here. My grief is the small piece of story I get to keep from my loved ones lost. My grief is also, perhaps, why I am actually okay with saying “new year, same old me;” it is the piece of me that will never change. So, I keep climbing this mountain. January 1st is my Everest. I have both returned and arrived, and I have done so with a lot of help. 

At 36, here is what I am taking with me into this new year:

  1. I will likely be just as sad in 2023 as I was in 2022; however, without that darkness I know I cannot find the light. It is okay to be sad and it is okay to embrace joy; both will find me.

  2. I’ve done it once, I can do it again; I have no idea what this year will bring me but I am open to new possibilities.

  3. I am not alone. I am loved. I give love freely. 

  4. My dog is the cutest dog this side of the Mississippi. 

  5. Every day is a new adventure, perhaps that is why it is so scary to wake each morning and leave each day behind. 

  6. I will keep asking for grace and help when I need it; I will give the same to those who ask it of me. 

Anyway, the point in me sharing this story is to say: if your biggest goal for 2023 is to survive another year, lean into that. We need you here. You matter.

Here’s to a new year, same old us. I think that is something worth celebrating.


Suffer Out Loud