A Recovering Pastor's Story
A little over three years ago, I found myself on suicide watch in Providence’s Neurobehavioral Unit, my life unraveling in ways I never imagined…again. After drinking myself past a .407 BAC—an amount that should have killed me—it wasn’t the alcohol that got me into that hospital bed. It was the pills, the mindset, and the hopelessness that had crept into every corner of my life. Lying there with hospital socks I can’t forget, staring at a cold ceiling, all I could think was: “How did I get here again?”
The shame, exhaustion, and endless questions kept spinning in my mind. "Am I really this person?," "Why do I keep screwing things up?," “What’s wrong with me? – But as much as I wanted to disappear, I couldn’t. I had a choice to make—and I chose to hold on to life. I used to be a pastor with a wife and three kids. My alcoholism crumbled after we launched a church in Missoula and now I was here… again. I felt worse than nothing.
Suicide and Mental Health: A Complex Struggle
Suicide isn’t the problem; it’s a way out when life feels unlivable. The problem suicide is solving lies not in a single place. And, unless you’ve been in that place, it’s hard to understand. For those who have, it makes all the sense in the world. It feels like an answer to the question we’ve been battling for years: “How can this pain stop?” But the truth is, it’s not just about pain—it’s about isolation, hopelessness, and the sense that nothing will ever change.
When I was drinking myself into oblivion, I wasn’t just trying to escape reality. I was trying to escape myself. The same is true for many in Missoula and across Montana who struggle with mental health and suicidality. The problem doesn’t start with the first suicidal thought and especially not the last. It’s built on a foundation of years—sometimes decades—of suffering and confusion. This is why mental health awareness and suicide prevention go hand-in-hand.
Montana consistently ranks among the highest states in the nation for suicide rates, and the numbers are staggering. In 2022, Montana’s suicide rate was nearly twice the national average. Isolation, societal tensions and pressure, limited access to mental health care, and cultural stigmas contribute to these statistics.
At the heart of it, we’re always talking about real humans, living real lives. The biggest and fastest impact on suicide prevention and mental health comes when we change how we talk and engage with the people closest to us—the ones we interact with every day. Simple changes in how we speak to people go a long way. Don’t be afraid to ask how people are doing and actually want to know. Let people know they matter to you and you look forward to the next time. Maybe watch our hurtful words too - it couldn’t hurt.
For those who struggle, and for survivors like me, I have a passion for encouraging you to break the stigma and own your story. Find power in it. The very things we resist and fear are where we can also find life and freedom. Be brave—it’s not as crazy as it seems. Enjoy surprising people with your smile. Your acceptance of your story can empower others who are not ready to share theirs yet.
But don’t let it define you. That’s the hard part. You are not your struggle, you just have one. Be okay when can’t smile and everything feels looming. If you can begin to find that balance, you’ll start to discover some relief. Change is possible. It always has been, and I’m sorry we ever believed it was too hard.
The Stigma We Carry
The stigma around mental health is a huge part of why people—myself included—don’t ask for help. We’re taught that we should be strong enough to handle it on our own, that mental illness is somehow a personal failing. Mental health is no different from physical health. We don’t shame someone for having high cholesterol or cancer, so why do we shame them for struggling with depression, anxiety, or addiction?
For a long time, I didn’t want to face the reality of my situation. I didn’t want to admit that I was falling apart. Eventually, I had no choice but to. And as uncomfortable as that was, it was the beginning of my healing. “The wound is the place where the light enters you,” said Rumi, and I’ve found that to be true. The very things I once hid from—my alcoholism, my mental health struggles, my failed attempts at ending it all—are now the things I talk about openly, because they’ve made me who I am.
Owning Your Story: The First Step Toward Healing
I’ll be honest: learning to own my story has not been easy. As a former pastor who had failed in more ways than I can count, the shame was crushing. I didn’t want to talk about my drinking, my suicidal thoughts, or how I’d completely fallen apart. There was no way I could talk about the pain I caused others. But the more I embraced my story, the more I realized how much healing and power was in the process—not just for me, but for others. It was how I could finally get out of the way of some past relationships from healing. The stigma around suicide and mental health thrives on silence, and silence is something I refuse to live in anymore.
In Missoula, and across Montana, we need to do more than just talk about mental health. We need to be mentally healthy in how we talk. We need to own our stories, share our struggles, and create a culture of empathy and understanding. It’s not enough to throw around statistics and say, “People need help.” We can be that help. We can show up for ourselves and for each other. This can happen at home, at work, in the store, and on social media. We can do this now.
Montana’s Mental Health Crisis: Why It Matters to Speak Up
Montana’s suicide rate isn’t just a statistic—it’s a reflection of how deeply mental health issues affect our communities. Missoula is no exception. In 2022 alone, over 200 lives were lost to suicide in the state, leaving countless families and communities devastated. What is changing is how many people are struggling in silence. For every suicide, there are dozens more who are living with the weight of their thoughts, not sure if they’ll ever find relief and peace.
Think about this: in any group of 10 people, 2 could have contemplated suicide in the last year. For a community like Missoula, that means almost everyone knows someone—whether they realize it or not—who’s battling mental illness. And yet, the stigma persists. We’re uncomfortable talking about suicide. We shy away from difficult conversations for the same reasons these stigmas exist. We can’t afford to do that anymore.
Your story could be the one that helps someone else find hope. Don’t underestimate the power of that. Don’t believe the lie that you’re too broken or too far gone. You’re not. Your greatest pain can become your greatest strength—and that’s something the world desperately needs to hear.
I’ve called 988. Don’t be afraid to if you’re there - you’re worth it and just dialing it may be enough to shake you back to reality. Just don’t let shame freeze you from asking for help. You’re too valuable.
You got this. Keep going, one step at a time.
Paule is the founder of Stigma Marketing & Development, where authenticity, humanity, and vision are its heart. As a certified QPR Suicide Prevention Trainer and a suicide survivor, Paule is passionate about mental health advocacy, offering free suicide prevention training and promoting empathetic, people-first messaging. His journey from alcoholism through suicidality to leadership fuels his commitment to breaking stigmas and fostering authenticity in both marketing and life.