Be Gentle And Kind With Yourself, Always
By: Annie Seiler
There’s really no instruction manual on how to feel or respond to pain… All we can do is learn from other people who are just as human as we are.
I remember the days so vividly. I stared blankly in the mirror while I pushed and pulled at my skin, pointing out where I had too much fat, and perfectly planning how I could get rid of it. I didn’t buy sizes that were bigger than a “small,” I changed 5+ times before going in public, and I cried and cried trying on clothes in the dressing room. At the age of 12, I spent more hours in the day over obsessing about every inch of my physical being than I did anything else. My worth and happiness was dictated by the number on the tag of my shirt. Over the next years, I developed many disordered eating habits and poor body image- the graphic details still pain me to envision to this day.
By the age of 15, I was diagnosed with Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorder (OSFED). I couldn’t believe it. I grew up in a “normal” family, always cared about health and fitness, and now every week I found myself walking into my therapist's office, barely believing there was anything wrong with me. Eating disorder therapy was the best and worst thing that happened to me. It was hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and the internal work was painful. There were parts of my eating disorder that seemed to improve more quickly, and there were parts that I wanted to grip even tighter and never let go- the idea that as long as I am over infatuated with my body, I will never lose control of myself.
We’ve grown up in a world where we are convinced that the less space we take up and the smaller our pull on gravity, the more worthy we are. It is no wonder that millions of people of all genders, ages, and backgrounds suffer from eating disorders each year. There are no prerequisites to mental health illnesses. While there are many factors that play a role in the development of them, being awake to the human experience is enough of a challenge.
As with any mental health illness, at least in my own experience, it never functioned like a switch. It wasn’t there one day and the next day it was gone. My experience with an eating disorder has been anything but linear. While I have gotten better in ways that I never possibly imagined in my darkest days, there are certain areas and times where it still shows up today.
Although my experience was rather severe, most women and many men experience some degree of disordered eating and body image concern in their lifetime. With the global pandemic and weeks of being quarantined, it can be even more difficult to navigate a “healthy” mindset around food, our bodies, and exercise. If you have found yourself in this place, I feel you. Without control of the future, a lack of routine, and a rollercoaster of emotions day to day- it is an incredibly hard time to navigate. I have found myself thinking about food and when I should eat more often. I’ve had the fear of excessive weight gain, and I’ve found myself with more racing and spiraling thoughts regarding all of these topics.
As my favorite writer, Glennon Doyle, writes in her new book, “All we can do is offer relief from this fear: I am all alone. That’s the one fear you can alleviate.” That is the biggest reminder that has gotten me through all of my mental health struggles and especially during this time…I am never alone. YOU are never alone. There is no “correct” way to navigate such a time as this. You are allowed (without even needing permission!) to feel any and all emotions that you are experiencing. Whether you are afraid of gaining weight, losing weight, have gained or lost weight, or have found yourself critiquing your body more in the mirror... you are absolutely not alone. Allow yourself the endless grace that things do not look like they normally do, and therefore, your thoughts and emotions might not look like they normally would- a practice I continue to work on daily.
There is no mental health concern that is too small to need to ask for help. It can be difficult to reach out for help, but for me, it was the best choice I ever made. There are so many resources available if you need help. If you just need a friend to talk to, I am always here to chat.
You are SO worthy, just as you are in this moment. Be gentle and kind with yourself, always.
Annie
“When her pain is fresh and new, let her have it. Don’t try to take it away. Forgive yourself for not having that power. Grief and pain are like joy and peace; they are not things we should try and snatch from each other. They’re sacred. They are part of each person’s journey. All we can do is offer relief from this fear: I am all alone. That’s the one fear you can alleviate. ”