What should you say to someone who’s suicidal?
By Joshua Bergan
Many of us have encountered or will encounter a loved one who expresses that they no longer want to go on, without knowing what to say or do. Hearing such news can feel terribly helpless, overwhelming, shocking, and can induce serious anxiety. Please know that there are often things you can say and do to and for someone who has spoken of killing themself.
First of all, if someone comes to you with suicidal thoughts, be grateful they spoke up despite their scary and distressing words. It can be easier to keep something that difficult and heavy inside, and the fact this person has reached out is a huge reason for hope. Thank them for being open and honest about such a difficult subject and time in their life.
Do your best to take this information in stride and without overreaction. If it’s a burden too great or if you cannot find the words, know that you too can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800-273-TALK) to get help and guidance.
Take. Them. Seriously. Suicide is real and does happen. Discounting a person’s pain can reinforce their negative feelings making them feel additionally hopeless.
Tell them you’re sorry and that it’s okay. Don’t try to talk them out of the way they’re feeling or solve their problems – everyone’s emotions are valid. Tell them you understand that they are feeling this way, don’t show judgement, ask them if they want to share more information or detail, and listen patiently. Be a shoulder to lean or cry on. Example script: “I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Do you want to talk about it? ”Reassure them that it will get better. Everyone’s life has ups and downs – some greater than others. But a person’s situation in life is usually fleeting and there is hope for the future. Example script: “I know that your life is hard right now, but I promise it will get better.”Reassure them that they are loved and that you care. Example script: “You are very loved and you have friends and family, including me, that care very much about you.”Ask them if there’s anything you can do for them today. Oftentimes there is not, but if there is, you’ll be grateful you have some actionable steps toward improving this person’s state of mind, which can reduce your own feelings of anxiety and helplessness as well. Example script: “Is there anything I can do for you?”Make sure they know that there are resources that can help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available at 800-273-TALK for both voice calls and texts, the website offers many resources including online chats, and there are often local 24-hour crisis hotlines available. And by July 16, 2022, dialing 9-8-8 will also direct you to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Example script: “If you ever need someone to talk to but feel like no one’s available, there are phone numbers and websites that have live people to talk, text, or chat with.”Find out if they have made a specific plan to end their life. Ask if there are guns in the house and decide if you should try to restrict access to them or if there are drugs (both prescription and over-the-counter) that could be used to overdose.Example script: “Have you thought about how you would end your life?”If you feel that your loved one is in immediate danger or has taken actions toward suicide, call 911 and stay with them.
Lastly, you might not need to say anything at all. Just being in their presence can be hugely impactful. Sitting with them, listening, and letting them know that you’re here and you’ll stay as long as you need to, can be all a person in crisis needs to get them through.
Remember to take care of yourself, as well. Encountering suicide is an extremely difficult thing and you’ll likely need some respite and support, too. Set the example for your ailing loved one by taking care of yourself and reaching out for help when you need it.
Life-changing words are not usually needed when a person comes to you with suicidal thoughts. Patience, presence, and some focused attention and listening are often all that’s needed (also all that you can actually do for them). There are no magic words that can take away a person’s pain, but there are steps you can take to help them through their crisis.